Pregnancy Loss and Carrying a Pregnancy with a Fatal Birth Defect: Shay’s Story (part 2)

BoldLittleMinds MomCast
Written By Mom Identity Project

Introduction

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time to honor and support those who have experienced such profound pain. In our latest episode of the Bold Little Minds MomCast, we sat down with Shay, a remarkable mother who bravely shared her story of multiple pregnancy losses, including a pregnancy affected by anencephaly. This is her story of courage, selflessness, and resilience.

The Beginning of a Love Story

Before delving into her journey, Shay introduces us to her love story with her husband, which began with a simple swipe on Tinder. Despite the challenges she faced at that time, including a difficult divorce, Shay found a kindred spirit. As they connected, they discovered uncanny parallels in their lives, bringing them closer together unexpectedly.

Encountering Loss

Shay shares her emotional journey through multiple pregnancy losses. The initial loss left her devastated, resulting in self-blame and PTSD. Despite the heartache, Shay and her husband continued to hope for a family together. Though faced with further early losses, the couple resiliently navigated their way through each experience, leaning on each other for support.

A Heartbreaking Diagnosis

During a 14-week scan, Shay received devastating news: her baby was diagnosed with anencephaly, a fatal condition. Despite the doctor's initial assurance, Shay's instincts were proved right. Faced with a harrowing decision, Shay chose to carry her baby to term, hoping to donate his organs to save other children and families from experiencing such heartache.

The Journey of Love and Loss

Throughout the pregnancy, Shay encountered numerous emotional and physical challenges, such as insensitive comments from medical professionals and the pain of knowing her baby wouldn’t survive. Yet, she remained steadfast in her decision to honor her son by giving him the chance to save others through organ donation.

Embracing Support and Moments of Kindness

Shay found solace and companionship through organizations that provided support and small moments of joy, like gifts and keepsakes. This sense of community reminded her that she was not alone, even in her most challenging times.

Honoring Baby BrYan

After her son Bryan was born, Shay and her family faced the heartbreaking reality of saying goodbye. Despite the devastation, Shay took comfort in knowing that Bryan became the first infant organ donor at the hospital, potentially saving other lives.

Finding New Hope

Shay's healing process was gradual and filled with continued hope for the future. In time, she and her husband were blessed with two healthy children. Their journey underscores the importance of understanding, patience, and the unbreakable bonds of family.

Conclusion

Shay’s story is a powerful reminder of the courage it takes to navigate profound loss and emerge stronger on the other side. Her commitment to sharing her journey helps raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss, encouraging others to speak openly about their experiences and find solace in shared stories.

You can connect with Shay on Instagram or explore her website:

Shay's Instagram

Shay's Website

Those interested in sharing their inspiring motherhood stories can reach out by emailing me at boldlittleminds@gmail.com or you can find me on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok @BoldLittleMinds. Please take a moment to subscribe for free and leave a comment to connect with the community.

Thank you for taking the time to read. Please share this episode with anyone who might find solace in Shay's journey and help continue the conversation surrounding pregnancy and infant loss.

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For Your Binging Enjoyment…

Transcript

[00:00:00] Today's episode is a very special episode in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Loss Month. I speak with Shay about her multiple pregnancy losses and her pregnancy that was impacted by anencephaly. I understand if you need to skip this episode. While it's a sad story, it is a story of courage and selflessness.

I'm grateful to this mom for sharing her story with us.

Hi everyone, you're listening to the Bold Little Minds MomCast, a podcast where we talk to incredible moms who share their unique journey to motherhood, practical tips, and some of our favorite low prep activities. So you can enjoy that hot cup of coffee. I'm your host, Chrissy. I'm a mom of two boys. I'm glad you're here with us.

So pop in your earbuds and let's have some fun.

Welcome to the Bold Little Minds MomCast. My name is Krissy. I am a stay at home mom to two young boys, and I'm so glad you're here with me today. Today, I come to you with a very special episode. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, our friend Shay is joining us again to share this part of her story.

Unfortunately, infant and pregnancy loss is all too common. Either you or someone you know likely has been [00:01:00] affected by this. In the United States, about 1 in 175 pregnancies result in a stillbirth. One in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage. 2 percent of pregnant people experience repeat miscarriages and the infant mortality rate varies by ethnicity being as high as 10.

9 per 1000 live births. Shay shares with us her story of repeat pregnancy loss, but also her story of a pregnancy she carried to term. With a baby who had a fatal birth defect. This is an inspirational story of courage and selflessness. I certainly understand that this episode is not for everyone. It's not easy for moms to think about pregnancy and infant loss.

So I completely understand if this is an episode you need to skip. Today, three versions of this episode are available. You can find the full episode as well as the episode broken up into two parts. The regular abridged version that's going to be released on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, all of those. As well as a bonus episode.

All three of these versions are available on my sub stack, which is free to access. You can subscribe for free and have the episode sent directly to your mailbox with whatever versions are released on [00:02:00] video and audio, as well as a text based blog summary of the episode. However, you don't have to sign up for the subscription to access the bonus episode or the full length episode on my sub stack.

You can find the link to the sub stack in my show notes. Shay's son had a condition called Anencephaly. In the United States, anencephaly affects one in 10,000 newborns. Because most pregnancies with Anencephaly end in a miscarriage, it's impossible to know. The true number of babies that are affected by this.

Anencephaly is a type of neural tube defect that happens when the neural tube doesn't close completely. Almost all babies born with anencephaly die shortly after birth. Globally, it's estimated that the prevalence of anencephaly is 5.1 in 10,000. I'm very grateful that Shay decided to share her story with us today.

It's important to understand the reasoning behind the decision she made, and how it impacted her all around. It's also important to know that since that pregnancy, Shay had two healthy pregnancies who now are live, healthy baby boys. It can feel so lonely to be impacted by pregnancy and infant loss. If you or someone you know has been affected by anencephaly, just know there are many resources out there available to you.

And Shay [00:03:00] is more than happy to talk to you if you want somebody to speak with. Again, I understand if this episode is not something for you and you need to stop listening part way through. Either way, please take a moment to hug your babies and the babies in your life a little tighter. And I thank you very much for taking the time to join us today. 

​

Krissy: Thank you so much for listening to the BoldLittleMinds MomCast. I am here with Shay. Shay was on our show before and I'm so happy to have her back. She is a mom of four, 15, 13, three and a half and one and a half. She is an entrepreneur and we are just So happy to have you. Thank you so much for being here.

Shay: Oh, thank you so much for having me back. It's always a blast. And the before and after chats are, they're amazing. I live for these chats.

Krissy: Oh

Shay: for having me. It's, it's so much fun. I'm excited.

Krissy: me too. And I agree are before and after chats. We, we talked too long before and probably too long after, but Hey, it's all, all in good fun. So we are here today for a very special episode. This month is pregnancy and infancy loss awareness month. [00:04:00] And I know that a lot of people have experienced this loss in, in so many different ways and have so many unique stories and Shay and I both have had pregnancy losses.

But Shay has a special story about a pregnancy that had a fatal birth defect. And I really want to make sure that we take some time to focus in on that part of her story and give that piece of her story some special attention. So today let's start with talking about where it all began, your love story with your husband.

Let's talk about how you met and, and how you decided to, to start all over again. Because for everyone who remembers, you both came into this marriage with,

Shay: Right, right. So our love story starts with a swipe right. We're one of those Tinder success stories. I was going through a crazy divorce. I was in school full time, working full time, one of my girlfriends is like, You really need to dip your foot in the water.

Like, you need to kind of get out there, you know? And she's like, It doesn't have to be anything serious, just You know, just [00:05:00] see what you're working with. And I'm like, heck no, like too busy, school, kid, divorce. Like, no way. I'm a hot mess. Like, no. so we betted on, motocross I lost. So I'm like, okay, fine.

I'll just make a profile, but this is, like, don't expect anything out of this. Like, I'm always, you know, solo plus zero to anything you invite me to. So I'm on there and it was a different dating game, of course. And this is at the point where Tinder was like starting to go crazy. And it was, it was becoming a hookup site.

So, you know, I put in my profile, like I'm not here for, one night stands and, you know, swiping along lots of, lots of lefts. I come across. My now husband's profile and I thought it was sweet. He was like, going through divorce. Like I have a two year old daughter, like, I'm not here for an instant wife or one night stand.

I'm like, okay, cool. We kind of align, swipe right, whatever. [00:06:00] we started chatting of course, and I'm like, you know what? This is cool. Someone else who's kind of going through the same things I'm going through. Um, so I didn't expect. out of it, you know, I was very like cautious to me.

Like talked to him for weeks. But it was like an instant, like we hit it off, and the whole time I'm still going through therapy for my divorce and I'm telling this therapist, like, who is this guy? It's too good to be true. Like, what is this? Like, this isn't real. Like, this doesn't happen. The more we got to know each other, we realized, Oh my God, we got married same year, week apart. We separated from our spouses literally a month apart. Like there were so many like parallels in our life. We grew up at an address was that, you know, the same exact numbers, someone in his family, they founded a very famous river. That is also the same name of the town I grew up in, which now our son's [00:07:00] named after, of

Krissy: Wow.

Shay: like, all of these, like, his stepdad's number was the last four of my phone number. Like, eh, like, I, I, I had spoken to him on the phone years prior doing an errand for my husband. Like it just was like all of these things were like, whoa, what? Oh my god. What? What? Like like too good to be true so, Needless to say we hit it off. We are like the same person Just he's the male version of me And he's a little more down to earth and centered. He's not so crazy like I am but you know, that's not saying a whole lot

Krissy: We all need that counter balance.

Shay: Exactly yang yang so Yeah, we hit it off, , immediately, and, it's a love like no other.

It's like, you know, from the day one, like, it just felt, like, too easy,

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: you know, and, you know, ten years, we're, we're ten years out now, and I'm like, okay, it hasn't been easy,

Krissy: Sure.[00:08:00] 

Shay: but I, you know, I remember thinking, like, how I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, what going on? Like, my therapy for my divorce turned into therapy to be accepting of

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: you know? So, it was a crazy, crazy that we met and had the same tastes and everything. 

Krissy: That's so interesting that you say that to accept love because that happens so many times as we find someone that's perfect for us and we push them away for whatever reason.

Shay: yeah, and I, that's exactly what I was doing. I was trying to find all the reasons, like, I wasn't ready. I knew I

Krissy: Right.

Shay: ready at all. I was just kind of entertaining idea and, my therapist looked at me and he's like, do you have to

Krissy: Mm.

Shay: You're, you have your own now, know, you have your life together, your life in order. You need to be willing to accept love and not think that, you know, not [00:09:00] worthy of it. Give yourself some grace. This is the healing part. You have to just let it go. So I took his advice cause every week I'd be like, something's, something's gonna happen. Something's not right.

He's going to be a serial cheater. I don't, you know, like all of these things. I was so ready for the worst thing to happen and , it never came. I'm looking back and there's even, there's more, more similarities and parallels in our life. I could probably go on for

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: Yeah, long story short. It was, it was the swipe right? That made

Krissy: I love it. I love it. That's beautiful. Now, how long did it take for you to go from, uh, we don't want to rush into a marriage again to, you know what, we're going to get married. Yeah.

Shay: six years because I, I, I was so

Krissy: Yeah, yeah.

Shay: It took me two years to move in. was like, yeah, no, I got to make sure my kid is ready for this. You know, it took a long time of us doing [00:10:00] sleepovers and making sure the girls were okay. Like, almost like I was looking for any reason, like, and they just weren't there. It was, it was crazy. Like, could I find something so good, you know? And I think if you've listened to our last podcast, there's, I think we touched a little bit on, on that. I was beside myself. We still think about and look back and laugh and we're like, oh my

Krissy: I do think it's more than just like noncommittal because you had a kid that you need to be worried about. And we all been there where we were in a relationship that felt great. And then all of a sudden it didn't and how devastating would that be for your child?

So I just want to give you credit for taking that time to for her or and for yourself, I'm sure. I'm sure there were other things going on, but it is important when you have a child to remember, it's not just about what it's going to make you feel good anymore. 

Shay: On top of that, like when I got married the first time, it was supposed to be forever, you know, you go in that, [00:11:00] that first a lot of us today, we go in and we're like, we're never getting divorced. And then for me, I was the one who pulled the eject. I was like, this is not a healthy place. So I was the one who did it. So coming from that place, I was scared to start something where I would do that again. And like, where I would. Have to leave or have to make a decision. I want to get married. And I made that very clear for a very long time in our relationship where I'm like, yeah, no, I don't want to ruin this with a title.

I was so scared that if we got married, that was it. That was when things would turn and things would go wrong. So it took,

Krissy: it didn't.

Shay: it took six years and, also took the decision to try to have kids

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: It was like, well, need healthcare cause healthcare is really expensive.

And I guess we could try again and you know what, let's just do it. We didn't tell anybody. We just [00:12:00] went to the beach.

Krissy: Um,

Shay: someone and we had this like. I hate to say Jim and Pam from the office, kind of little like sunset wedding with just the three of us and God, you know, at the beach and we're like, Oh, we'll just, we'll just do, uh, have a big wedding next year.

We won't tell anybody. And then COVID

Krissy: no,

Shay: So we were married in 2019 COVID happened and we had to come clean and

Krissy: by the way,

Shay: We still haven't, now we have two, you know, two kids. So it's like, yeah, we'll do it maybe our 10th anniversary, wedding anniversary.

Krissy: I love that. 

So the decision to have, or started to start a second round of a family happened before the marriage. Is that what you're saying? 

Shay: Yeah. So we had, um, of course, you know, here we are adults here, you know, having accidents. And, um, we had a really big loss where it, you know, I was pretty devastated. It was pretty, [00:13:00] probably about, about a year, a little over a year into our relationship and I was so devastated that I blame myself.

I had legitimate PTSD from it. I thought it was me, you know, I went through all of that. My body wasn't working for me. What happened? Like, I didn't expect to be. Why? You know, birth control failed once again. But I was. It

Krissy: Yeah, interesting. So you didn't have a conversation necessarily beforehand. This just happened and then, and then it sparked in you this like, Oh, actually, I, this is something I do want. Right.

Shay: my gosh, my clock's ticking at this point. Like, again, you know, from the last episode, like, I didn't even know if I wanted to have kids, right? And then I had a kid because, again, like, birth control didn't work. Birth control does not work for me. Obvi. [00:14:00] Um, so after that, you know, after that first loss, he's like, You know, why, why, why even put those things in your body?

It's not gonna work. Like, we'll figure a way out. Like, don't do it, right? So, we kind of were just like, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, great. After that first really big loss, it took me probably a good six months to finally get get better because it, it gave me, I don't want to say PT.

I like, I always feel like I'm being dramatic, but I was having like panic attacks from it because I felt so responsible because I wasn't, you know, watching what I ate and I, you know, I, I blamed myself for the amount of stress that I allowed to accrue in my life. Because it was right at the point where my, we, I mean, when we were together, we were, I was still technically married, but separated of course. And it was right, right as we were finishing everything. And that's when I lost that first baby. Was like, this is not the [00:15:00] time. And then I had that, I went through that whole wave of guilt. As you know, when you lose a baby, you just, it's, The waves of guilt, like you're trying to find blame even and trying to find the reason why even though sometimes there's just not a reason. And for me, I just immediately go to me, like it's my fault. I did something. I drove myself crazy about it. I was thinking night and day. I didn't, you know, like, what, what did I do? How could I do it different? Why that poor baby didn't deserve to die? I went through all of those crazy emotions. I tried to go to counseling, and the male doctor looked at me and he's like, so you're here because you think you had a miscarriage. And I just remember, like, how insensitive. Don't even get me started on women's health, um, but, a therapist, and he's like, well, here you go, here's five prescriptions, we're gonna give you this so you don't have the panic attacks, this so you can sleep, this to wake you up in the morning, this to be a mood [00:16:00] stabilizer, and it was just like, shoving pills

Krissy: Yep.

Shay: and it didn't address anything.

It just, it numbed it. But I still thought of

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: still. know, at that point I ended up quitting the job I was at. I ended up just pulling back in life. Luckily I had a savings and I had my husband and I took that time to kind of heal. So but after that, so going a little more into our journey, we had, Two more early, very, very early, um, losses.

It's like, I don't know for you, I don't know your story, but those losses where, you know, you're pregnant and your body's starting to do that hormonal

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: and you get that positive and within a week

Krissy: Right.

Shay: it was

Krissy: Right.

Shay: And after two of them, I was like, I cannot do this again.

Like this, this is too hard. This, I can't lose another baby. I don't know if I'm going to survive losing another child. And again, right back into that guilt cycle. Like I was the one who [00:17:00] caused this, I must have willed this to

Krissy: Right. Right.

Shay: And it ate at me for a while. So I finally was like, you know what? I'm done. We're, we're not trying again. We're not. Even going to entertain it. So I'm gonna track my cycles. We're not doing this. 

At this point he was like, okay, this is weird, like need to go see doctors to make sure we're healthy because if you ever change your mind and we we decide when you're 40 need that baby. Let's be prepared. So we ended up going to He went to his doctor.

I went to mine They wanted to run all these tests on me and they're like, oh Okay, so this is, this is secondary, infertility because you had already had a very successful pregnancy your very first and you were on birth control. So that tells us. You

Krissy: Proof of concept. We know it can work.

Shay: yeah, you're, you're, and your daughter's five years old.

So that's really, uh, the odds of something happening within the side of your [00:18:00] body are not that high

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: So the doctor looked at me and he's like, you know what, you need to go get your, have your husband go get checked out. So he went to his doctor and we found out that he had a zero count.

Krissy: Oh, wow.

Shay: We're like, hold on a second. Like, what? Wait, what? so my husband, um, and, and I do have his permission to share this part of our story because it's very important, is on, um, it has TRT, like, he has a hormone replacement therapy. He's on testosterone, he had been injured overseas in Iraq, and it did something with his pituitary, and he, His body stopped, um, producing testosterone for him. So, you know, he had to take that testosterone therapy. What they didn't tell him is that eventually that would make him go sterile

Krissy: Wow.

Shay: he had it. So at 26 years old, he's having to take injections because his body's not what it's supposed to. [00:19:00] And no one thought to mention. Hey, you're going to be sterile while you're on this

Krissy: Wow.

Shay: So we find this out and I'm like, okay, okay. Like I brought that information back to my doctor and my doctor's like, so what it sounds like happened is you had basically a miracle.

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: fact that you were even getting pregnant is a miracle. He, it just takes one. And unfortunately with. The hormone replacement therapy, the sperm can be, misshapen or, um, yeah, abnormal.

I can't think of the word right now. I'm going to break mom fog. But yeah, it, they're not healthy, viable. So he's like, it doesn't matter what, what you're going to do. If that's. a big part of it, it might not happen. I was like, okay, so what can we do in the event? And he's like, um, you could do IVF, you can do IUI yeah, I'm [00:20:00] not even ready. I'm not even worried about it.

 After hearing that his doctor was like, Hey, let's wait three months, right? We're going to wait three months. I want you to stop taking your shots, which horrible for

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: It's not having, a man needs testosterone, um, in his body and it comes with weight gain.

It comes with a mood swings. It comes with, you know, they become a little more estrogen dominant and it really messes with their psyche and, it's really rough. The doctor tells him to wait. And then like, if you ever want to conceive kids, you'll probably, he'll probably have to not be on a shot. So, during this three month waiting trial, we had two major losses in our family. My grandfather died and then three weeks later to the day his grandfather

Krissy: Oh.

Shay: My grandfather, it was unexpected. his grandfather, it was within two months of knowing something was wrong. He was gone. During this time we're, [00:21:00] going up to Oregon , where his grandfather lived, we were there for a while visiting before. And then my husband had to dip out and we came back, he had to go back and he made it there in time. And then my grandfather on the day his grandfather died, I called my grandmother who's in Florida a couple of weeks had gone by, which is not, it wasn't out of the ordinary for our relationship.

I call my grandmother and it's like, she didn't recognize me. And I was like, Oh, are you okay? Grant, you know, granny, what's wrong? And, um, she's like, Papa died. And I was like, when? Like, when did this happen? And she said three weeks ago. And. Like, I just felt like our

Krissy: Right.

Shay: world within one, two phone calls had completely just crumbled.

Like, Oh my gosh. And my grandmother was so out of it that she, you know, she was a little older, like [00:22:00] technology was so

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: to her, that she, she just, recluse and, , didn't want to, she didn't want to bug me to tell me the bad news while Brian's grandfather was going through it and she was trying to preserve me. So then that turned into pickup and here we are off to Florida. And, out there for two weeks and trying to help manage that. So it was. It was crazy. It was a crazy time in our life. And, um, we were grieving. so after the two weeks are up, we finally get home. And the day after, you know, I was, I was a little sick on that trip.

And I couldn't understand like, what's going on? Like my gallbladder,

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: because I've, you know, I had gallbladder

Krissy: Oh.

Shay: While we were on that trip, right before we left, he's like, do you think you could be pregnant? And I'm like, don't play with

Krissy: We're not doing this again.

Shay: I know where you sleep?

Like, no. [00:23:00] And he's like, I don't know why, but I just have this weird feeling, you know? And, uh, we fly back home the next day, I take a pregnancy test and it's just immediately like

Krissy: Ooh.

Shay: And, um, I'm like, In shock, just literally

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: test. Like, Oh my gosh, like, okay, here we go again.

Krissy: Buckle up. Yeah. 

Shay: I remember telling myself like, okay, don't get

Krissy: Right.

Shay: we don't make past a week. I made a doctor appointment. At the doctor appointment, I was like, is there anything we can do? I started to get that panic feeling like, what, what can we do?

What is there anything? She's like, no, you just gotta let it, let it be like, my prior pregnancies, we'd never caught before I had the loss. It was always like the after. So, um, it was kind of like, okay, well, let's start documenting. We'll, we'll, we'll do a blood

Krissy: hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Shay: and I'll have you go once a week.

So that way know something's up before you don't. [00:24:00] And before it happens naturally. So I took that first blood test. My, my levels were great. I took that second blood test. My levels were doubled. I took another test and they were just. So we were like, my gosh, we lost our grandfathers. Like this has to be a silver lining.

This

Krissy: Mm hmm. Mm

Shay: So we kept it hush. We didn't say anything. And, my girls at this time were bullying me to like have a brother or sister for them, it was just a constant. When are you going to have one?

When are you going to have one? So, was just this weird feeling of like, they knew intuitively, like, are you feeling okay? Because I got sick really early. I'd be sitting at the dinner table and I'd be like, you know,

Krissy: hmm. Did you have symptoms with your other losses?

Shay: Um, so with the first one, not until right before I lost, I was getting a little bit of dizzy and nausea.

So with my daughter, I had nothing. I had maybe two [00:25:00] days of morning sickness, the entire pregnancy. I could have skipped fields, you know, skipping in fields of daisies, like could have been professionally pregnant. It was just the most beautiful thing in my life. then with the others, it was like, I would start getting a little dizzy, but I don't know if that's coincidental because I'm a dizzy person as it is. So,

Krissy: So they didn't necessarily recognize it from like, oh, here we go again. It's just like, these are the classic signs.

Shay: Yeah. Yeah. And, and for them, I think they were like more intuitive of like, something's up because I'm a very open book mom. And, I just, mislead my children very well. Like I'm a very honest, like, Nope, this is how it is. This is

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: So they had kind of like an inkling of something, something was off.

And then I was getting sick. I made my favorite meal, chicken parm, and we, you know, get to the table and I take two bites and I lose it like, Oh my God, can't do this. They're enjoying it.

My husband's one of his favorites. So he was like, Oh my God. [00:26:00] Lost my, lost it. I'm like, okay, I'm going to go lay down. I think I have a flu. That's what it is.

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: this, I know, I know what it is.

Krissy: And how old were they, like nine and ten, something like that? Eight and

Shay: Five and seven.

Krissy: Five and seven. Okay.

Shay: Five

Krissy: Okay, so the seven year old might, would know probably more than the five year old, but still.

Shay: But know that five year old's very intuitive. She's like, are you pregnant? Are you going to have a baby?

And I'm like, why are you asking me that? You're getting a little fat. Okay,

Krissy: Thank you.

Shay: rude to say I'm bloated, okay?

Krissy: Yeah, right.

Shay: This point, you know, I'm throwing away food all the, like, on a daily

Krissy: Yep.

Shay: And then I get to the point where I am so sick, I cannot move. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis.

I was losing weight rapidly. I, the only thing that I could keep down was Dr. Pepper over crushed ice. Maybe once a day if I was lucky, having to get IVs, but all during that, remember at one point thinking something's wrong, [00:27:00] having this feeling like something, something's not right, something's wrong. This is a mistake. That was like a recurring thing that I would, Feel like I remember one time my husband and I got one of our very few fights where I was just an emotional basket case. And I'm like, this is a mistake. We shouldn't be doing this, you know, you know, noncommittal here.

Just thought this was it. This is where, most couples, , go downhill is right after a baby. So I really had my doubts and my regrets and you know, this wasn't even supposed to happen. What do you what do you mean? But I should be grateful because we just lost our grandfathers., we didn't tell the girls. We surprised them with a surprise photo shoot

Krissy: Oh,

Shay: had, got a little, like a big sign printed and, we're like, we're doing family photos this year. And the two photographers were in on it and, you know, they turned around and here we are holding a sign. You're going to be big

Krissy: yeah.[00:28:00] 

Shay: And it was just, just so magical, such a magical day. We were all, all of us were in tears, they're crying and, I have the whole, pictures where I'm showing them the ultrasounds but the whole time feeling like something's

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: And then getting those ultrasounds and seeing them and like, they're like, where's the head and where's this?

And by this time I'm about 10 weeks, you know, or no, it was like, no, I was 12 weeks. That's right. Because we were waiting to make sure I got past that 12

Krissy: Yeah. And it's interesting too, because like, sorry to interrupt you, but pregnancy after loss, you are like, always are going to think something doesn't feel right and something's wrong and something's going to go south. So like, is this intuition?

Is this really something or is this just my anxiety? 

Shay: Right. And, and within that, there were a few times where I had gone to the hospital because I was so dehydrated, like throwing up, like couldn't get off the bathroom floor. Um, and [00:29:00] every time I would go on, like, something's wrong, something's not right. I would tell them this every time. Something's not right.

Can you check to make sure the baby's okay? And again, this, this is a very, um, stages, six to 10 weeks before they put me on the infusions, of course, and they check in, they're like, everything's okay. The heartbeat's great. Yeah. Look, no, look healthy baby. It's moving around. Like, and I remember thinking like it was like a T at a 10 week at the 10 week scan, I'm like, something's weird. Like this ultrasound doesn't look like my last one. And when I inquired about it, you know, I had to have a whole OB transfer because I was driving too far. You know, so I got a closer OB. It was their 10 week scan that I just didn't feel right. And they're like, Oh, it's nothing. Sometimes they're a little crazy.

Sometimes, you'll do it and it'll be off. And then in two days, it'll be a completely different scan. You're just having anxiety from your prior losses. Try to take it easy, take a rest. So, okay. I'm telling myself, [00:30:00] yeah, this, this is me. I'm just me. I'm just having doomsday and I'm just waiting for that other shoe to drop. I need to let it go. It's not, this isn't going to happen. So we do this great big reveal my daughters are just over the moon, elated. We're happy. We tell everybody in the family, and it was kind of, we kind of got mixed, like, eh, because we weren't married, his family's very traditional and old school, and we're like, okay, cool, well, we're excited,

Krissy: Right.

Shay: you know, this is the way we want to live our life, when I got the pictures back, a week later, at this point, I'm being, I'm 13 weeks, and I'm like, you know, I'm going to hold off on posting those, I don't know something with like inside was like, yeah, just hold off.

Hold off, right? Again, here I am thinking something's gonna go wrong. 

I'm 14 weeks. I go to the doctor. I am having a routine scan. I was having a little bit of spotting. so they called me in. They had me go in. during the ultrasound, the OB's face [00:31:00] goes, and I'm like, what's wrong? And she's, she's like, Oh, nothing. Oh, nothing. And I'm like, no, you

Krissy: Yep.

Shay: What's going on? You made a face. I saw that. And she's like, oh, nothing. Nothing's wrong. Like, you know, everything's okay. And I'm like, she's like, the baby's heartbeat's nice and strong. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, no. No, you made a face. saw your eyes get wide. I can read your body language, but okay. Okay. And I think at that point we went home and I'm like, don't get your hopes

Krissy: Yeah. Mm

Shay: but it wasn't good.

Krissy: hmm.

Shay: I go to bed that night. I wake up and I am hemorrhaging. I go to the hospital and it was, uh, surreal. I was just in this fog and I'll never forget. I'm sitting there, you know, like in a little TMI, like you're sitting there and basically a homemade [00:32:00] diaper

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: were hemorrhaging and I'm sitting across the nurse's bed And I'm hearing how, Oh yeah, my wife, yeah, we're having a baby and blah, blah, blah.

And yeah, we, we know what it is. We got the email and we're, we don't know if we should click it. My wife wants to look at it. And I'm, and I'm sitting there like, can you guys. Read the room because you just talked to me and I said hello. I think I have a threatened miscarriage like read the room like be sensitive or have that conversation not where your people in the ER can overhear that.

Um, so they call me back They want to set me in a hallway and I'm like not happening. You guys are gonna have to do a pelvic exam You're not

Krissy: Right.

Shay: we're not doing this. I need a room. I don't care if it's a utility

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: this point So it was just like one thing after another. I'm like, why am I having to fight so hard?

And then I'm thinking she saw something she could have told me. She could have given me a heads up. Why didn't she say anything? [00:33:00] So we get, I get the ultrasound and we're chit chatting I'm looking at the screen, you know, the baby, he's like, well, the baby's got a healthy heart rate. He goes quiet, know, and this whole time I'm texting now husband. At the, at the time wasn't. Um, I'm like, oh my gosh, I can see his heart rate. I'm relieved. I'm seeing the baby, bringing the thumb to the mouth,

Krissy: Yep.

Shay: um, all these little moments. And I'm like, but I can't see his face. I, I don't know, like, maybe it's just the angle. Like, I can't see his face. So I asked, is everything okay?

He's like, yeah, I'm just, I'm just going to get a couple more pictures. And, and you know, like, if you've ever had an ultrasound like that, you know that, like, It comes down because if you've had the good ultrasounds that are all chitty chatty and oh, do you have any names? And this was not the case. So,

they put me in a different room. And I'm like, oh gosh,

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: what's this about? Like, okay, am I going to have a baby with Down syndrome? I can handle a baby with Down syndrome. Like, is that it? Like, whatever. And [00:34:00] I remember like going through these scenarios in my head of like, whatever it is, you know, was he missing a limb? you know, I didn't know what was he at this point.

Krissy: Right. Great.

Shay: he missing a limb? Is it, is, is, you know, is there a deformity? We can live with it. We're unconditional love. Like. Baby will have the best life and the doctor comes in and sits on the bed and grabs the box of tissues and I'm like

Krissy: Oh, geez.

Shay: And she's like, I'm really sorry. Your baby's not compatible with life. And I'm like, what do you mean? Your baby has a condition called anencephaly where the neural tube didn't close very similar to spina bifida. Um, their brain didn't fully develop and they didn't fully form a skull cap in a cranium. And I'm really sorry, but, um, your baby's not compatible with life. You know, you need to follow up with your doctor. [00:35:00] So I remember just sitting there like in this state of shock and she's handing me tissues and I'm like, I'm not, not a tear. I couldn't squeeze the tear out if I wanted to, This is it. Like, Oh my gosh, like Like, how did that happen? Like, and I'll never forget driving home.

I didn't even, um, you know, I texted my husband like, Oh, hey, I'm on my way home. And he's like, everything okay? And I'm like, we'll talk when I get home. And I ran to red lights. Just, I was so out of it. Like, you know, there's literally five lights from the hospital to my house, you know. And, um, I walk in the door and I'm like, here it is. baby's not going to make it. Um, and it was just, I can't to you [00:36:00] how defeated I felt in that moment of, like, hold on a second. I felt something was wrong. I kept telling the doctor something was wrong. The doctor made a face yesterday during the ultrasound and Told me everything was okay and everything was gonna be all right and not to worry about it and I felt gaslit because I had these feelings inside and the baby's not gonna make it you know there we went my husband It was like okay.

We need to go to the doctor ASAP They got us in you know I went to the hospital at 2 in the morning got back at 7 in the morning by 3 p. m In the afternoon We had another doctor appointment And this time they ushered us to a perinatologist. And that was the point where, um, I think for me, she's doing the ultrasound.

She's [00:37:00] going, she's doing like an anatomy scan at this point from feet up. And, um, see that it's a little boy and I just lost my mind because, um, I didn't, know I could be a mom. And when I had my daughter, I wasn't sure I was going to be a mom. And I most definitely didn't think I could be a good girl mom because of my relationship with my mother. And so I wanted to have all boys because boys are easy, right? Like, you know, I don't know how to be a good girl mom, you know, and that's the far from the truth, thankfully. But here I am, I have a little boy and it's just completely snatched away from me. So within that, um, You know, they're, when I asked them, well, what are, what are our options?

Like, is, is there a chance that, that maybe this is wrong? You guys have it wrong. It can [00:38:00] develop. No, no, no, no, no, no. You need to get an abortion is what the doctor told me. This, the same doctor that had that surprise look on her face the day before is now told me everything was fine is now telling me. You need a DNC and we need to schedule it immediately. And again, where do these people learn their bedside manners? You know, um, it's incredibly unempathetic. And, um, you know, as a mom, when you're told something can't happen and then it happens and you think it's this, just a miracle, like, Oh my gosh, I'm walking around and there's a miracle growing inside of me and then be told, just kidding,

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: it's not going to happen. It really messes you up, you know, and I would so we came home and we told people and We we just weren't prepared with how this all would have played out [00:39:00] and so we told everybody and it was just mixed feelings all around I Got tired real quick after a day of telling everybody the story. So I made this post on Facebook and I'm like, Hey, just, just treat this like a normal pregnancy for now.

Like, you know, because at this point a lot of people knew we were pregnant, but I didn't want to hear, how are you doing? How's the baby? Is it a boy or a girl? Like I wanted to get ahead of

Krissy: Mm hmm.

Shay: um, for the mental health of our family. Um, we had to sit the girls down and tell them. um, I think at this point, decided that there had to be more to be done than just a DNC. Um, and coming from the medical background, I, I was like, what if we could donate his organs? Like, what if we could prevent another family from feeling the heartache that we feel now? Um, so we sat down with the girls, we told them, and um, You know, at this point, I told, I looked at [00:40:00] my husband and I'm like, you know, don't know where you stand on this and I'm really sorry that I'm kind of taking the lead on this, but I am NOT going to get an abortion. And I'm like, it's really hard for me right now when, when the first signs of life, you've, if you walk across somebody laying on the ground, what's the first thing you do? You look for signs of life, which are a heartbeat. And bleeding or breathing and you look for that heartbeat and my son inside of me has a heartbeat.

So who am I, who am I to, to decide when it should stop beating, you know, and it being at this point of the second trimester abortion or DNC or whatever they want to

Krissy: Sure.

Shay: It wasn't even like an option that I could be induced,

Krissy: Mm. It was, yeah.

Shay: So for me it seemed very [00:41:00] barbaric. To go in basically rip this baby out of me that is very much loved and wanted. So we, I told him, I'm like, I'm really sorry. I can't, I can't go through with it. And I'm like, I can go away if I need to go away. I'll go away for the next few months. Um, I can do this alone. It's totally fine because I understand I'm about to drag everybody through this nightmare. You know, and he was like, no, no, no, we're going to do it together.

We're whatever we do, we are going to do together. Um, so he, we decided that we were going to keep the baby and we were going to try everything we could do to donate his organs and donate, um, his heart. You know, at this time I thought heart. 

And, um, I got the idea from the internet because. [00:42:00] Something happened with another baby, um, not, not the same case.

So when I went back to my doctor and they're like, okay, what's your decision? Are we going to put you in the next room? And I'm like, no, no, no. I think I'm going to carry. you don't want to do that. That's that's just that's such a risk to your health. That's this That's a it was just like this doomsday Because it was inconvenient and I I remember looking at the lady like no, I want to donate organs Well, okay, you know what my one of my really good friends has the you know runs the organ donation Place in town and I'll give him a call.

And then she leaves the room. She's like, yeah, sorry, he said that, uh, they can't do it. Because these babies are generally too small and yada, yada, all these reasons of why not, right? Nobody was telling, and I'm like, okay, fine. At this point I had to follow up. I went to, to my regular OB. And then I went to my perinatologist, um, and my regular OB I ended up that following month like just missed an [00:43:00] appointment.

We had, I had the flu. They never called me. They never checked up on me. They never, it was, I didn't do what they wanted me to do. And again, this is just how I feel. they completely ignored me. So I marched into my perinatologist and I'm like, this is what I'm, I'm doing. If you don't respect it, that's fine.

I'll have the baby at home. I don't care. so either you become my OB, know, I had to be my own advocate kind of bully this other doctor Either you become my OB or, um, do this on my own. I'll hire a midwife. And at that point, she's like, you know what? That's fine. Great. If that's what you want to do, I support you a hundred

Krissy: Nice.

Shay: I have a friend that in fact works at that very same company. So, um, she got me in touch, you know, got me in touch with the hospice. People to have hospice involves, um, because whenever there's a death. No matter the [00:44:00] case, there's a homicide investigation and you know, um, so to avoid all that you get hospice involved. Um, so that way all those legalities don't have to

Krissy: I'm sure that was helpful too.

Shay: Right. And then, you know, we were set up with counseling, you know, and all this time, like it was really rough for us. Not only we lost two grandfathers, we lost a baby. Our daughters were just completely devastated. Family did not agree that I was carrying this pregnancy to term.

They thought we were

Krissy: Right.

Shay: causing unneeded trauma to our daughters. And, um, whereas we spun it with them, like, let's make memories. Let's, let's try to make the best of us. Let's give him the most unconditional love we could possibly give him on his little short time on earth. You know, I'm not going to make that decision.

It's. It's up to him and God or what the universe whatever you believe. Um, not particularly religious So [00:45:00] for us in our home, it was a it was an okay thing like it was making the best out of the scenario, but for a lot of people around us that they did not agree and they made it known and, um, it didn't help. And, and then that point, at that point we felt abandoned. We felt, Alone, you know, and already it's, you really feel alone, especially if you've never met anybody who's had gone through this or lost a baby. Luckily when I did put my post out and I put, on Facebook at the time , a girlfriend of mine that I had worked with 10 years ago reached out and was like, you know what?

I lost a baby to the same diagnosis two years ago. So, we had an unexpected friend. They were so gracious, like checking in on us . But it was, it was hard. So emotionally unstable. So many different levels. And, you know, with the family, I, I understand, I get the, the wanting to protect and everything, but at the same time, , my thing was, , you guys can go home and sleep with yourselves at night, you [00:46:00] get to tuck yourselves in your bed and rest your head on your pillow. And maybe, maybe the thought of our, our, our son. Will come across your mind. Maybe it won't, but I promise you it will come across ours every single night and we have to do what's right for us. 

Krissy: And it is the most personal of all decisions. I mean, you can't, no, there's no right or wrong decision. It's what's best for you and what you feel in your heart is the right way to go and both decisions are correct.

Shay: right, exactly.

Krissy: Yeah. Yeah. 

Shay: And, and for, for my girlfriend, she made the decision to, um, be induced. She found out after her anatomy scan. And, and it was very, we both respected each other's decisions. 

Krissy: You just see the difficulty in both of it because it's just not going to be easy no matter what.

Shay: No matter no matter what I am and losing a child no matter

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: I I mean You know, I don't think one's bigger than the other but then I do when I meet [00:47:00] someone's like I lost a grown child I don't know how you could have lost a baby and i'm like I don't know how you could have lost a grown

Krissy: Sure.

Shay: there's a Personality and love and character and memories attached.

Like, I think that's the ultimate loss is losing a living child,

Krissy: hmm.

Shay: And it's, um, the appreciation for loss, uh, parental loss is, um. It's something to be appreciated. Um, because it's hard no matter, no matter what. 

 At this point it was, it was hard, it was a rough few months. The perinatologist that I had was just the absolute, absolute most wonderful. She had three other cases at the same time. and, and this was something that they say, Oh, you see one, one in

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: One in 20 years. Like this is very rare. This is like one in 300, 000, 500, 000. Like this is, it's, it's not common. It's rare. you know, going back through my pre [00:48:00] med classes, I remember seeing, like, to this day, I can remember the picture In the textbook, it was just this little blip, like, and it showed a picture. Never in my wildest dreams that I think that could happen to

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: Never. So the perinatologist, they were really great, good people, um, connected us with that same organization where the head honcho guy said he, they couldn't, they couldn't do it. They hooked us up with a nurse that stayed with us for the rest of the time. So, um, at this point, this is all happening in November, right before Christmas, right before Thanksgiving. Um, Thanksgiving, I didn't, we didn't participate. I, I told my husband, I can't be around

Krissy: Yeah. Mm

Shay: because we found out on Veterans Day, I'm, you know, crying every second of every day, like I'm just, just beside myself. So, we, we go have Thanksgiving. Fishing in a local lake, just being one with nature and, and kind of just digesting because we still at this point, it's 16 weeks.

We still have a few more weeks to make the [00:49:00] decision. At this point, we could do a, uh, induction. So, you know, of course that wasn't, you know, once I have my mindset, it's set, it's not changing, but my husband, you know, Hey, are you okay? Are you sure? Is this what you want to do? He was so, oh my god, amazing and supportive. So we get to the point where, I'm still getting the infusions. I'm still just trying to make peace with it. it was really hard, going out, you know, public, Oh, you're pregnant. Congratulations. And it's like, Thanks. You know, and you have to like swallow that lump in your

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: And, I remember a lot of our close people around us knew, our employees knew, and everybody, you know, they were so kind. But then we'd get that one off friend that would come up and be like, Oh, wow, I bet, you know, what are you having? And we're like, oh, boy, oh, I bet he's so excited to, you know, Throw a football with him and teach him football and, and then it'd be like, well, he's not going to have the chance to

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: then we'd have to have that [00:50:00] hard conversation. So it just didn't come as a surprise later. So we get through the pregnancy and at this point, um, nobody really, I remember going through feeling alone, like nobody talks about this. No one talks about these journeys. And, while in the hospice, workers had connected me with an organization. There was an organization called Isaiah's promise and they would send us like packages every like month and it would have like books for the kids on losing a baby. It would have little bracelets with his name on it. For Christmas, I'll never forget. They sent us like these handmade ornaments with his name. So like along the way they were helping you make memories. They sent us a handmade christening gown made out of donated wedding dresses. 

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: beautiful, beautiful stuff. They did send us a box right after he was born that to this day. We, we still haven't opened. It's with the box of his things. [00:51:00] Um, eventually we'll get there. We'll get there. We get to the point where it's about time to have baby. And, I'm like, okay, well, doing all these groups and, I'm in like 20 different Facebook groups where all these moms all over the world are going through this and, and they're telling their stories and some of their babies are living. At that point there was a little girl who was four years old. Um, like. The skin grew over her head and she was four years old, completely, completely, um, breathing machine feeding to, you know, the works. 

So just to kind of clarify what anencephaly is, anencephaly, and for him, in his case, right here is where the development stopped. So he didn't have this part of his head or brain, it stopped. So, in those very early days, of, development. There's the neural tube and they close at both ends. One's the top and one's the bottom. This is the severe [00:52:00] neural tube defect for anencephaly. Spina Bifida is also, it's the same thing. It's just on the opposite end and that severity, differs. but, within the scope of that diagnosis, they almost always survive spina bifida. There are those rare cases where there's conjoining defects. But with anencephaly, it's like a 99 percent rate of death. there, it's just, there's not, it's not happening. 

So 

Krissy: can be in a lot of different ways where it's mostly formed, partially formed. There could be a full brain, partial brain.

Shay: And there's, there's different cephalies, if

Krissy: Sure.

Shay: you know, cephaly meaning head . There's some with hydrocephaly. That's where the water on the brain and the head. There's some where, maybe the brain develops, but they do have skin. There's, there's a wide range of scopes. And we were hoping that maybe we get the other end of those scope, the scope of the, the cephalic diagnosis. but unfortunately ours was [00:53:00] really, really bad. Like he, he, as the, we got the ultrasounds, we saw the frog eyes, like they kind of have like little buggy eyes. There was just nothing where his eyebrows were supposed to be. so That going to my OB, I was like, Hey, I want a C section,

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: I want to, I want, I, I want to have a C section, I want to have him, and for me, I'm doing everything I possibly can get a few minutes or to

Krissy: Right. Because the trauma of a vaginal birth, I would think would be the, that would be it.

Shay: right? we'll, we'll get into

Krissy: Okay.

Shay: was just. It was like, I wanted anything I could do that wouldn't think, because you'd think the vaginal birth would be like, would hurt him,

Krissy: Right. Right. It's a lot of, there's a lot of twists and turns and tight spaces for that little head. Yeah.

Shay: for sure. And, um, I was told, no, sorry, that's, that's [00:54:00] too dangerous for you. And I'm, and I, and I looked at her and I'm like, you know, that's funny because my girlfriend's on her third baby right

Krissy: Right.

Shay: you guys are signing her up and she's getting to pick the date and the time and, so because my baby's not compatible with life, that's just it. Like. No. And she's like, well, a risk to your health and I understand, but wouldn't having a vaginal birth be a risk to my health too? Because with these babies, there's a lot of complications that arise shoulder dystocia where they get stuck because they don't have that natural reflex and their body doesn't turn and they get wedged. Um, there's tears, there's bleeding, there's, so you're telling me all these things, but wouldn't, but SC section makes sense for control and I'm like and here I am. I'm no dummy. I wanted to be do surgery like you

Krissy: You're like, I wanted to be doing these things.

Shay: You can't medical phrase

Krissy: Right.

Shay: i've done all the [00:55:00] research and there's no duping me to tell me what's convenient for you so they they would not budge on that like they couldn't get it approved like it was a night Nightmare, but it was one of the battles that I'm like, you know, I'm just I'm just gonna I'll probably end up having a c section anyways, right? You know, let's just hope it's for

Krissy: Yeah, let's fight this in the moment.

Shay: Yeah, let's not you know And we'll just we'll just put out those good intentions that it's not for bad It's

Krissy: Emergent. Yeah.

Shay: bad reason, you know, my life's at stake at this point. Every month I'm going in, I'm having multiple scans. we found out he had a hole in his heart with anencephaly, there are other comorbidities that occur. There's a type of dwarfism that happens with them, the hole in the heart very, very often. Very common. The organs outside of the body that happens as well. Um, just things not developing, or at any point his heart could have stopped. Um, he, he could have passed away in utero. so I get all the way to the end [00:56:00] of my pregnancy. We go in like, okay, well, let's induce you a couple of days before his due date. It was the end of April I go in there I'm the hospital, they're like, this could take a couple days, because at this point, his brain's not making those

Krissy: Mmm.

Shay: signals and hormones to tell your body it's time to go into labor. I had to have The Cervidil, which is a cervical dilator, there was another medication that they gave me too.

It was very, um, invasive and, talks of the Fully Bold where they manually dilate you and, And I only say this, I'm sorry not to give TMI, but to any other moms that might be going

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: similar situation where you are induced out of a medical necessity. Because no, again, no one talked about this.

No one, I didn't know what to expect. There, it wasn't like, I mean, I knew from my groups, but I feel like these are things that should have been common knowledge. I only got up to, um, [00:57:00] four centimeters. I remember at one point looking at my doctor and I'm like, this stuff to make you feel like you're having a cramp nonstop?

I'm like, I feel like I've been stuck in a contraction for the last four hours. At this point, they freak out because that does happen and it can cause your uterus to rupture. And then it's just not good.

Krissy: Right.

Shay: Um, this whole time I'm Not taking medication. I was trying to be as little medication as possible.

I had a doula with me who was doing the whole, like, shebang thing with the oils and the, the aromatherapy, which, oh my god, never in a million years believed that until she put that basil on my stomach. It smelled like pizza and I was cramping

 They ended up sending me home because I was in fact having a tectonic contraction where, and they read my little contractions and I guess my monitor was a little wonky and it wasn't, it wasn't working. Picking that up, like the baseline was, was picking it up from the top of that contraction [00:58:00] and they didn't realize like, Oh my gosh. 

Let's give it a week or two. Because at this point, I'm about 40 weeks. And they're like, well, we have a little wiggle room. So let's come back in about two weeks. And if this happens again, we'll do the C section. Come home, here I am, like, here we go again. Because leading up to it, it was just like holding our breath. Like, okay, is he going to make it? You know, packing the bags, making sure we better have outfits. Should we get a car seat? What should we do? And, you know, we kind of made these decisions of like, well, we'll, we'll, Meet that when we get to that point, then we'll make a

Krissy: Yeah. You can always buy a car seat. You can always do all those things.

Shay: Yeah, it was like we'll go get a car seat. We'll go get a crib We'll get whatever my hospice worker was like, don't worry about that. We got you covered I'll personally go and we had a lot of people in our corner. We had the organ donation people right there, Ready to go We made a lot of friends with the nurses, so when it was time again, those nurses requested. to be on my case with my permission. So two weeks fly by, had to go through the whole goodbye [00:59:00] things again and we get all of the nurses. So it's the same staff minus one nurse. But she came in and checked on us when she could. uh, we had this really amazing nurse who's like, Oh my gosh, in my 25 years, I've seen one or 28.

She was 28 years, 28 years. She saw one baby like this. And there was a woman across the hall at the very same time, having a baby with the same diagnosis in this hospital. And she's like the occurrence of this happening. She's like, it's alarming. I've personally this will be my between the two of you will be my third baby I'm helping attend delivery too, but if this is happening a lot we're like, oh my gosh Like yeah, that's what I've been reading.

Like there should be more awareness on this. 

We ended up, finally, my body started to progress and they, it was about midnight, I got up to about seven centimeters after about two and a half days. I finally accepted an epidural, I didn't want to, but they, they thought it would help [01:00:00] along,

Krissy: Sure.

Shay: like, well, if at this point you need a C section, this baby has to come out in the next couple days. So it'll just help

Krissy: Yeah. Right.

Shay: you know, we'll put you out if we need to. They come in the room and I'm like, I'm feeling a lot of really, like, a lot of pressure, you know, happening. And they're like, well, the baby's having trouble descending. So without the baby having the rounded portion of his head, it's just flat.

So, you know, try to push a square through a round hole. It, it, there's and there's, it

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: doesn't work. So they're like, we want to, we want to your waters. So they did that and they're like, let us know. We'll be watching the monitors within 10 minutes. It was like go time.

I remember telling my doula, I'm like, um, feel, I feel something. I feel something right. I went from seven to 10 centimeters in literally less than 15 minutes because the baby, it helped bring the baby down. Um, the delivery was really difficult. [01:01:00] Um, he, it, I ended up getting a very severe tear, um, because again, got stuck.

He got this shoulder dystocia, that's one of the things that I was extremely worried about. He got wedged between my tailbone and my pubic bone, and the doctor had to manually, um, move him in, in that process, um, tore down on top of the episiotomy. Um, again, one of the things that I wish I wish somebody would have told me could have happened because maybe I would have pressed a little harder for that C section. Um, I lost, a tremendous amount of blood. I had to have the shots in my thighs. 

It took a while, um, for him to be born. Um, and at that time, um, when he was born, he had already passed. So there was, [01:02:00] It was hard because I had expected

Krissy: Right.

Shay: to have even a minute and, um, I think I was just so like loopy from the drugs and everything. Um, because at this point they were giving me Benadryl to sleep because I couldn't sleep and they thought the sleep, I wasn't sleeping, my body wasn't relaxed and it was like my body was doing everything it could possibly do to hold onto this baby.

Krissy: Yep.

Shay: Because that's what you do as a

Krissy: Yep.

Shay: when, when you have something that you want so badly. so we, um, he had passed, and of course, you know, it took a long time for them to fix everything. And, um, we got to have time with him. we got to have a few hours with him. and after being [01:03:00] told so many times that he wasn't going to be big enough, he was almost six pounds. Um, the doctor said he would have been, you know, and a half pound baby had ever been, you know, every bit had been developed and they were able to accept him for organ donation. Um, so he ended up being in the hospital and with that organization, the first infant organ donor, um, in that San Diego hospital. Um, and, uh, were so kind and gracious that had to do it quick. Everything had to be quick to preserve. So we didn't have a whole lot of time in the beginning. Um, but they brought him back to us, um, after, you know, after they took, uh, his lungs, um, for, um, fibrosis research. And then they took his four valves of his heart, um, for, for transfer. [01:04:00] Um, so they brought him back to us. The hospital gave us something called a coddle cot. So if you or anyone's going to, um, experience a loss of a baby or you, you know, in advance, um, ask for it. It's like this little, um, basically cooling system so that you could, it keeps the baby's body cool to help, um, mitigate the rapid breakdown, um, after death.

And it gave us, it gave us quite a few hours. We were super grateful for, um, our girls were able to meet, meet him and hold him for a moment. Um, And then, um, it gave us the time to say goodbye. And then when we were ready, we, we got to walk him down, um, through the back with the nurses and hand him over. Um, but, um, yeah, it was a, it was such an incredible, time.

And [01:05:00] you just can't prepare for it. Um, yeah, there's nothing you can do.

Krissy: Right.

Shay: to prepare for this type of loss. It's, it's just devastating. So that's kind of where his story kind of, it doesn't exactly end because again, um, I haven't reached out. Um, so this year he would have been six years old. Um, it was the sixth year anniversary and, um, I haven't reached back out to, um, the organ donation foundation. Um, because we haven't been ready. My husband especially took it really, really hard. that, uh, don't know what happened. And in order to know what happens, it has to go both ways. And it's hard with babies because other moms, the, the receiving end moms sometimes feel like selfish. They go through a whole [01:06:00] slew of these emotions of like, I took life from their baby.

And, you know, so, um, we did say that we were open to find out, but that we would reach out first. So, um, maybe. Maybe in due time, we'll find out if it worked, um, or if it didn't, because it's not just because you donate organs, doesn't, it doesn't guarantee that there's a or even a successful transplant, because they have a narrow window of time where it needs to happen.

So,

Krissy: What was his name? Special.

Shay: his name was Brian, baby Brian. So thank you. Um, so yeah, we, uh, we've come a long way since him. Um, after him, I was definitely never having babies again. Um, I, yeah. So now we knew the secret sauce, if you will, like, [01:07:00] to, to, to conceive a child was, well, my husband couldn't take testosterone therapy, you know? Um, so it took me about two years before that clock just tick again.

And, um, With that we, you know, we went through all the genetics. So they said it wasn't a genetic thing. It wasn't,

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: It wasn't inherited, it's just a by chance thing. They think it has something to do with folic acid or folate, folate being the natural form of folic acid, folic acid being the laboratory made. So any pregnancy after that I would have to be on these skyrocket amounts of, of folate. 

Krissy: From what I read, there's nothing you can do to cause this. It just, it just happens and it's unfortunate. But with like so many things that we can't cause, there are things we can do to help mitigate it. And, and folic acid or folate is. The number one thing you can try to do to help prevent, but that doesn't mean that because you didn't do it, you caused it.

It's

Shay: And even [01:08:00] still there's not a whole lot of research done or, you know, I shouldn't say research, it's not that the want isn't there, it's the funding and the money to go to that, because it's, it's one of those lottery type things, like, can't, you can't know, , and it's kind of like down syndrome, like, they say, well, if you're approaching 40s or geriatric pregnancy, the chances are higher, that doesn't mean mean that,

Krissy: you caused it. Hmm.

Shay: a baby like that.

So, I mean, there's a lot of things we don't know and, and, and don't know the causes of, so for us, after him, we, when I finally decided like, okay, let's get married, we'll try it again, um, back to back losses, you know, very, very early losses, um, And then with my son, I didn't, I wasn't taking those things.

I don't like to take any vitamins or [01:09:00] anything like that. I'm just very kind of natural. I'll get it from my food. I eat very healthy. So with my son, I didn't take any of that. I might have taken it for the first couple of weeks, but I didn't and he's perfectly healthy and the next one, perfectly healthy. And that's coming from telling, every pregnancy after your chances increase. So the first, you have a 20 percent chance, a 10 percent chance the first pregnancy, a 20 percent chance. So after having a baby like this, your odds are much higher to have a baby like this. There's some women, that were on their third baby, third in a row.

Krissy: Wow.

Shay: um, it kind of almost makes me feel like, is this an environmental

Krissy: Hmm.

Shay: it's something we're eating, you know, because it's not exactly, folate is not a guarantee of being not healthy or healthy. I think it's just, it's gotta be something else. And I'm hoping in the future we can, as a society devote more attention to things like this and try to [01:10:00] figure out where it's coming from to mitigate the devastation that it causes on families.

Krissy: And what made you decide to try again? Just time? Courage?

Shay: yeah, my clock ticking and my, and you know, my husband was like, okay, whatever you want, whatever. Yeah. Okay. Like, but not like that. You

Krissy: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Shay: like, I understand. Like very patient, very kind, very, it's okay, honey. Like I get it. We have two beautiful girls. Like it's. If you don't want that's fine and look at how early we get to travel because we had our girls in our early 20s like we're gonna be Young grandparents and young, you know, uh, and then I was like, okay, maybe like maybe we'll try again But I just don't know, you know, we'll see and again when he stopped his therapy back to back like, you know I'm getting pregnant.

So I'm pretty fertile still and [01:11:00] And uh, yeah, it just So we're not gonna be young grand parent. Well, we might

Krissy: You might still. You don't know.

Shay: we might still, but we'll probably have teenagers at

Krissy: Right. Right.

Shay: He's like, you know, I always knew you change your minds. You love being a mom and, and you're great at it. So he's like, I just was going to be patient just like I was with the whole marriage thing. My poor husband, I just make them go through the, the ringer, I guess, with my stubbornness. And then I always end up folding.

Krissy: I'm sure he loves you for that. 

What, do you do anything special to honor him?

Shay: Year on his birthday, uh, so, I don't know if you caught my post on social media, so there's this little mountain town called Julian, and, his father's side, his family helped found it or built the town or there's some, some history there. So that at the cemetery there, it's a very historical cemetery. His family has a plot there. So he has, I don't want to say he's buried there. So this [01:12:00] is where we're, we're kind of. We bring the humor into this and I'm really sorry to be insensitive, but, uh, his headstone's there, but he's still on our bookshelf

Krissy: Okay.

Shay: can't, it's still that like, you know, like we we can't bring him there

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: our, still on his urn that, you know, still in the bag that we picked him up the mortuary. Like, so we always joke like that's on his birthday every year and Mother's Day too, because, um, he, his birthday is May 11th. So it always falls

Krissy: Mother's Day. Ah.

Shay: on Mother's Day. Um, he was born and then Mother's Day was the, was the next day. Um, So we always joke, like we go up there and we visit the headstone, right? So we were in the, we have the motions. We go up there, you know, at least every like once a month or two [01:13:00] months, you know, when it snows up there, we go clean it up in the summer, we go clean the headstone and then we always like, you know, sing happy birthday and take a picture and, and. And then we all start laughing because we're like, he's

Krissy: He's not even here. He's

Shay: on the bookshelf, like,

Krissy: missing his own birthday party.

Shay: We're like, oh, we'll have, we'll show him pictures when we get

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: So, um, you know, we try to keep the humor, I guess, if you will. But, um, it's really funny because grandpa was up there too for a long time. Um, so it was like, you know, we had a new housekeeper and she's, I was like, okay, so there's one shelf in the house.

Why do we do not

Krissy: Yeah. Don't touch this.

Shay: like, oh, and we're like, this is grandpa and this is the baby and she's like, let's just say she didn't clean her

Krissy: Yeah.

Shay: But

Krissy: one way to keep her away from it. That's

Shay: a crazy, it's, it's a crazy story. And I, you [01:14:00] know,

Krissy: It's right.

Shay: you're not going to find comfort, you know, it's, uh, you're not, but you will feel a little less alone, you know, um, And I, I mean, if you're on Instagram and you're going through this, please reach out. Not everybody wants to talk about it, but I am one of the people that are like, no, I don't want people to feel how I felt.

It's like, whatever we can do. I didn't, I was so scared that another mom was going to feel that devastation of a loss that I pushed so hard for the organ donation. Um, because. If we could have prevented that, I wanted to be that. I wanted him to live on. And what, what better way, what a better honor, um, if you will.

So, yeah, I mean, I just encourage if, if it's not me, if it's somebody like about it, it's, uh, we need to do more of, because I feel [01:15:00] like our society, it's still, it's not as taboo as it was maybe 10 years ago or even 20 years ago. but it's still not out there enough. Infant loss and, and pregnancy loss is. We have a special month for, but it's still just rocking people's worlds. And the worst kind of way, we're, you know, as much as we teach in schools, we teach sex ed and the birds and the bees and all, we're not talking about taking care of our bodies and being healthy and pregnancy loss. And I think we're doing a disservice to our young people who are in schools.

And we're not talking about that because. It happens. I mean, the more you talk about it, the more someone's like, me too, me too, me too, me too. And you meet all these women and it's like, then why are we not having these discussions? Why are we not? Why are we not more open? We should be celebrating that the fact there was a life created. Now it wasn't on the timeline that we [01:16:00] wanted. You know, it wasn't, you know, I would, I would much rather have my son here, but that just wasn't his story. That wasn't, wasn't what it was meant to be. So, yeah, um, I think we should, I think we should talk more about it.

Krissy: Absolutely. You are an inspirational woman, Shay. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing this story. It's, you're so important and so powerful.

Shay: Thank you.

Krissy: You are brave.

Shay: Thank you.

Krissy: If you have a story about motherhood that you'd like to share, please reach out to me, bold little minds at gmail. com. You can find me on Instagram, at bold little minds and definitely reach out to Shay.

If you have a similar story or you feel like you want to connect about this, I know she is very happy to talk about it with you. Please take a moment to subscribe. Leave a rating and review and please share with your friends and follow me for more episodes with inspiring moms with great stories to tell.

Thank you so much. See you next time.

 

[01:17:00] 

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