What Type of Mom Are You, and Does it Matter?(E32)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

Motherhood is a journey, not a destination. It's a constant evolution of learning, growing, and discovering who you are as a mother and as a woman. But somewhere along the way, many of us get caught up in the comparison game, feeling like we're failing simply because we don't measure up to some idealized version of motherhood.

In this episode of Mom's Guide to Finding Herself, we're ditching the mom guilt and embracing the beautiful, messy, authentic reality of motherhood. We'll explore why so many of us feel like we're not good enough, patient enough, or organized enough, and how we can finally let go of those expectations and embrace the amazing moms we already are.

The "Perfect Mom" Myth

Before I became a mom, I had this vision of myself as the "Pinterest mom." You know, the one with the perfectly organized playroom, the homemade organic baby food, and the endless supply of creative activities. But then reality hit, and I quickly realized that my kids were more interested in climbing the curtains than crafting with me. And that's okay.

The truth is, there's no such thing as the "perfect mom." We all have our strengths and weaknesses, our good days and bad days. And that's what makes motherhood so beautiful. It's a tapestry of different experiences, personalities, and parenting styles, all woven together to create something unique and special.

Embracing Your Authentic Self

So how do we let go of the guilt and embrace the moms we truly are? It starts with giving ourselves permission to grieve the idealized version of motherhood that we once had. It's okay to mourn the mom we thought we'd be, the one who had it all together. But once we've allowed ourselves to grieve, we can start to embrace the mom we actually are: the one who loves her kids fiercely, even when they're driving her crazy.

It's also important to remember that our worth as mothers is not tied to our ability to meet some arbitrary standard of perfection. We are valuable simply because we are. And our kids don't need us to be perfect; they need us to be present, loving, and authentic.

Finding Joy in the Journey

When we let go of the pressure to conform to some idealized version of motherhood, we open ourselves up to a whole new world of joy and possibility. We can start to appreciate the messy, chaotic beauty of raising kids. We can find humor in the everyday moments, and we can connect with other moms on a deeper, more authentic level.

Motherhood is not about perfection; it's about showing up with love, learning and growing alongside your children, and embracing the beautiful mess that it is. So let go of the guilt, mama. You're doing an amazing job.

Join the Conversation

Have you ever felt like you're not the mom you thought you'd be? How have you learned to embrace your authentic self? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

Coming Up Next

In the next episode, we’ll hear from Dr. Morgan Cutlip, a psychologist and relationship expert, about her transition to motherhood and how she felt that her life completely changed while her husband’s remained pretty much the same.

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For Your Binging Enjoyment…

32 What Type of Mom Are You, and Does it Matter?

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[00:00:00] Do you ever feel like the mom that you thought you'd be is totally different from the mom that you actually are? Like you had this vision in your head and then reality hit. You are not alone. In today's episode I'm going to share why so many of us feel like we are failing at motherhood simply because we don't fit into a vision that we once had about the kind of mom we thought we'd be.

So that way you can finally let go of that guilt and start embracing the mom you actually are.

Welcome to Mom's Guide to Finding Herself, where we share stories of side hustles and surviving while parenting young children. I'm your host, Chrissy Bold. Let's make motherhood less lonely and help you find joy in being you again.

Before I became a mom, I had a very clear idea of the kind of mother I would be. I've always been a crafty, organized, and very social person. I love planning, and I love having a system, and I love connecting with people. Long before I even got pregnant, I was tracking all the [00:01:00] prenatal yoga classes in my area.

I had bookmarked mom's groups. I had this vision of sipping coffee with other moms while our babies played, of filling my days with sensory bins and adorable crafts, and of being the kind of mom who just had it together. And then none of that happened. COVID canceled prenatal yoga. Mom groups weren't an option.

Instead of stepping into motherhood, feeling connected and supported, I felt completely isolated. But even beyond that, beyond the circumstances, I quickly realized something else. I wasn't the mom I thought I would be. I wanted to be the craft mom, but my kids have energy levels that I could have never prepared for.

Instead of sitting down for planned activities, I spend my days chasing them. I'm chasing them up walls, I'm redirecting them from jumping off the furniture. I am helping them constantly try to burn off their.

endless energy. And the reality of my motherhood does not look anything like this peaceful, [00:02:00] organized, creative vision that I once had. And honestly, that has been really hard to come to terms with. Because when you don't turn out to be the mom that you thought you'd be, it doesn't just feel like a shift in expectations.

It feels like a failure. Like a personal flaw, like you weren't good enough, like you weren't patient enough, or organized enough, or fun enough to make that vision come true. And I've carried so much shame about that. And if you've ever felt that way, if you've ever looked at yourself and wondered, why can't I just be better?

I want to talk about why that shame is so heavy, and why we need to let ourselves grieve the vision that we once had, and how we can move towards real acceptance.

But first we need to talk about what you're experiencing when your reality doesn't match your expectations. And for so many of us, there's this moment in motherhood when we realize we aren't exactly the mom we thought we would be, and that realization can be really painful. And here's how it shows up.[00:03:00]

It might show up where you're feeling like you're constantly falling short on your own expectations, or maybe you're looking around and wondering, Why is this so much harder for me than I thought it would be? Or maybe you're seeing other moms who seem to fit this mold that you once imagined for yourself, and that stings, that really hurts. You might be feeling guilty, like maybe you're not doing enough, or not trying hard enough, or not being enough. Then you keep trying to force yourself into that role, even though it just doesn't feel natural for whatever reason, because ultimately, you're probably feeling ashamed, like you're failing at something that should have come so naturally, like you're failing at this vision of what you knew you could be or what you know that you could be.

There are so many different types of mom out there, and we all have this vision of where we would fit in.

Maybe you thought you'd be the Pinterest mom, like creating these beautiful themed activities and handmade holiday decorations, and in reality you can barely [00:04:00] get through breakfast without losing your mind from the mess. Or maybe you thought you'd be calm and patient and slow paced. But you find yourself completely overwhelmed, overstimulated, and snapping, or even yelling, more than you'd like to admit.

Maybe you thought you'd be outgoing. You'd be the social mom. But in reality, you're struggling to make mom friends, and your energy levels do not match up with socializing like they used to. Whatever your vision was, If your reality doesn't match, it can feel like a constant weight on your shoulders. it's a reminder of what you should be, but you aren't.

But the real problem is, where is this pressure coming from? And why does it happen? Why do we hold on to this vision of motherhood that makes us feel like we're failing? And there's a few reasons for that. First, we, we build our idea of motherhood by before we actually experience it, right? Before we become moms, we only see snapshots of what [00:05:00] being a mom is like.

We see social media posts or TV shows or our own childhood memories. And we fill in the blanks with what we think it should be like. But the reality of parenting is way more complex than we could have ever predicted. Second, society is pushing us to be a specific type of mom, and we're trying to figure out which mom type is ideal.

We're being bombarded with messages about what a good mom looks like. There's the crunchy mom, the boss mom, the stay at home mom, the cool mom, and we're absorbing these labels. even when they don't fit us, even when that's not who we are at our core, we're still taking these labels in and thinking, this is what a good mom is like and this is what I should be.

And we might not realize it, but that's there, it's happening. So the third thing to take into account here is we tie our worth as a mom a mom to this vision of ourselves that may not even exist. We [00:06:00] believe that being the organized mom, or being the crafty mom, or the patient mom, is what makes us a good mom. And when we don't measure up to that, we don't just feel disappointed, we feel ashamed.

Now, there's mistakes that we make once we realize this and then we try to fix that. When we realize that we're not the mom that we thought we would be, We often try to force it onto ourselves. We start to go to Michael's and buy all the craft supplies hoping that suddenly we'll become crafty. Or we sign up for activities.

I remember I signed my kids up for this gymnastics class down at the Y, And it wasn't fun for any of us. It was just draining. My three year old was trying to escape the whole time. My two or one year old, I guess at the time, was trying to just hang on to me. Nobody was playing. Nobody was enjoying themselves.

And we definitely were not more social. We were just fighting for [00:07:00] our lives while doing this. So the activity just drained us, even though we were thinking it was what was best for them, because But nobody was getting any benefit from it. And then we keep comparing ourselves to the moms that we see who seem to fit our ideal, hoping that we can catch up to them.

We see these images of people doing things that we thought we would do and we think, well, if I just start doing this now, then we can, we can change it. We can, we can get to that place. But every time we fall short, we feel worse. And the real problem is we're not just dealing with these unmet expectations.

We're dealing with grief. We're mourning the version of motherhood that we imagined. The one that we built up in our minds before we knew what it would really be like. And because we don't recognize it as grief, we stay stuck in the shame. So here's what we need to do instead.

You need to give yourself permission to grieve the mom that you thought you would be, So that way you can [00:08:00] embrace the mom that you actually are. If you're not the Pinterest mom, that's okay. Your kids don't need elaborate crafts. They need you. If you're not the social mom, that's okay. You can nurture friendships in ways that feel natural to you.

If you are not the calm, patient mom 100 percent of the time, that's okay, too. Your kids don't need perfection. They need love and connection, and they need modeling of real emotions and how you deal with real emotions. Now, here's why this matters. When you allow yourself time to grieve the vision of motherhood that you once had, you stop feeling like you're failing.

You start to see yourself for who you really are. The mom that your kids are. Already love exactly as you are. And when you move away from the shame and towards acceptance, you make space for something that's even better. [00:09:00] The freedom to be the kind of mom that feels right for you. And the only person that can decide that is you.

It's not going to be what you see other people doing. It's not going to be the shoulds, the thinking of, Oh, my kids really should be doing this or should be doing that. Just lean into what they are, who they are, and be the mom that they need. Give them the childhood that they want, help them find those passions and lean into them.

And once you start to grieve that person that you thought you'd be and accept the person that you actually are. It's all going to come so naturally and it's all going to feel so great and you're going to feel wonderful about it. So I hope that this gives you some peace and helps you on a direction that you can work on going towards healing and accepting and embracing this amazing mom you are.

I would love to hear how this episode has helped you. Scroll down to the comments and leave me a [00:10:00] note there. This will make a big impact in helping moms like us find the show.

Make sure you click that thumbs up and make sure you to follow so that way you can continue to join me on this journey of finding ourselves.

In the next episode, I'm going to tell you some of the hobbies and interests that I've tried as a mom and how you can start to try on new identities to find one that fits. Until then, take a moment for yourself and remember, you are an amazing mom, just as you are.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
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