Why Do I Feel So Lonely In Motherhood? (E36)

Mom's Guide to Finding Herself
Written By Mom Identity Project

If you've ever felt that tug of loneliness even when surrounded by your kids, you're not alone. Motherhood can be surprisingly isolating, and it's something we need to talk about more openly. We talk about the sleepless nights and the endless diaper changes, but we don't always talk about the feeling of being utterly alone, even when you're surrounded by people. Let's dig into why that happens and how we can find our way back to connection and joy.

That Hidden Loneliness Thing

It's weird, right? You expect the chaos, but not the loneliness. You might be in a house full of love, but still feel completely cut off. It happened to me, and I know it happens to so many of us. We need to talk about it more.

My Own "Trapped" Feeling

Thinking back, I remember when my second baby was born. Car rides? Forget it. He'd cry the entire time, no matter how short the trip. It made leaving the house nearly impossible, especially during those brutal winter months. I felt trapped. Like my entire world had shrunk. It was hard to even remember who I was outside of "Mom." The person I saw in the mirror? She felt like a stranger. And it seemed like my own needs and desires were just…gone.

The Relationship Shift

Motherhood changes everything, including your friendships. Those easy connections with old friends? They start to feel strained. And those playdates with new moms? Sometimes, they just don't fill the gap. You feel guilty for missing your old life, but you also feel lonely and invisible in your new one. It's a weird mix of feelings, and it's something a lot of us go through.

Why Does This Happen?

Becoming a mom changes your priorities and your identity. It's a huge shift, and it can feel like you've lost a part of yourself. There's this term, "matrescence," like adolescence, but for moms. It's a transition, and it's hard. Plus, there's so much judgment out there. Did you know around 75% of moms feel judged for their parenting choices? That pushes us into our own little bubbles, doesn't it?

Okay, So How Do We Fix This?

It's not all doom and gloom. We can take steps to find that connection again:

  • What Do You Really Need? Think about what you're missing. Is it deep friendships or just casual chats? Knowing what you need helps you focus your energy.

  • Quality Over Quantity: Instead of trying to be friends with everyone, focus on nurturing a few key relationships.

  • Be the One to Reach Out: Don't wait for others. Send that text, make that call, invite someone for coffee.

  • Find Your People: Join a mom group, online community, or something that aligns with your interests.

  • Try Something New: Pick up a hobby! Crafting, hiking, whatever. It's a great way to meet people who like the same things you do.

  • Put Down the Phone (Sometimes): Social media can make you feel more isolated, not less. Set boundaries.

  • Be Real: Vulnerability is key. Share your struggles with people you trust.

When It's More Than Just a Little Lonely

If you're feeling really overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out for professional help. Therapy or coaching can be incredibly helpful.

You're Not Alone

Finding yourself again in the midst of motherhood is hard, but you're an amazing mom. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Let's support each other.

Help Us Grow

The BoldLittleMinds MomCast is made possible by you - the listener. Your support goes directly into making each episode happen—thank you for being part of the journey!

All donations go directly to supporting the production of the Mom's Guide to Finding Herself podcast

For Your Binging Enjoyment…

34 Why Do I Feel So Lonely In Motherhood?

===

[00:00:00] One thing that surprises many moms is how isolated and lonely they can feel in motherhood. If this is something that you're feeling, this episode is for you. Here's why you're feeling this way, and spoiler alert, it is not anything you did wrong.

Welcome to Mom's Guide to Finding Herself, where we share stories of side hustles and surviving while parenting young children. I'm your host, Chrissy Bold. Let's make motherhood less lonely and help you find joy in being you again.

Today, we're going to really get into a common problem that we rarely talk about. The intense loneliness that can come with motherhood. I want you to know if you're feeling this way, you are absolutely not alone.

It's like you're surrounded by people, maybe even in a house full of people but you feel completely and utterly by yourself. I remember those early days after having my kids, it felt like my entire world had been flipped upside down. I was constantly busy, but I [00:01:00] felt so incredibly isolated.

My second baby made it extra challenging for me. He hated the car. Now, I know that this is really common, but this kid was extra. He would scream at the top of his lungs for the entire duration of any car ride we took. Whether it was 10 minutes or an hour, he wouldn't just cry himself to sleep.

He would cry like he was in pain for the full car ride. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere, and it was winter, so people weren't visiting me. I felt trapped and alone, but that wasn't the only problem. It was like my identity had been completely swallowed up by this new role of mom, and I wasn't sure who I was outside of that.

I'd look in the mirror, and it felt like I was staring at a stranger. I wasn't just Krissy anymore. I was just mom. Mom. I think what was even more painful was that it felt like my own wants and needs had [00:02:00] become completely insignificant. Like I no longer had a right to have basic needs. It's like the things that used to bring me joy just didn't fit anymore.

And even making time for myself felt like a chore. And the friendships that I used to love? They felt totally distant because I couldn't relate to my old friends anymore. And honestly, I didn't have the space or the energy to make new ones. I mean, I would go on play dates, trying to connect, but the conversations were really shallow because We only were able to really talk about the kids or we were distracted making sure they weren't jumping off a ledge.

I mean, even conversations with my husband would turn into another discussion about the kids. It felt like I had just lost the ability to have a meaningful conversation and I felt so unheard. It was like I didn't even have a story to tell anymore, just a list of to dos and that feeling of invisibility, [00:03:00] it really started to take a toll.

It's such a strange and confusing thing, because you're so busy, but you still feel so alone, right? It's, it's this feeling that you're just surviving and not really living. It's a lonely place to be, and if I'm being honest, it can feel completely overwhelming. And it's not just me. So many moms experience this, and that's what we're going to talk about today.

We're going to talk about these shifts that can be really painful. in our friendships after becoming a mom. It's something we don't talk enough about, and it can leave you feeling so incredibly alone. I know I've been there, and honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm still there.

I know I am. I'm trying to figure it all out. I remember when my first son was born. I was so excited to share this chapter of my life with all of my friends but what I didn't realize was how much everything would change and not just for me [00:04:00] but for them too. It was like overnight the effortless connections that I used to have with my friends started to feel strained.

I remember vividly, a few months after my son was born, trying to make plans with some of my closest friends. Before kids, we would meet up, like, at a moment's notice, right? But now, it took weeks of coordinating, right? Somebody was sick, or something else came up, and we just couldn't make it happen, and we just didn't manage to get together, and it just felt so different.

I was so deep in the world of feedings, and nap schedules, and Our conversations, which used to be really rich and engaging, right? Felt like they were really surface level updates. They would ask me about the baby, of course, but it was like they couldn't relate to what I was going through anymore. It was like I was talking in a different language and the distance, I mean.

It was truly, I'm sure, unintentional. It was really [00:05:00] painful. It felt like I was losing them. There were other times when I would try to connect with new moms thinking that they would understand and it wasn't always what I expected. I would go to playdates or story time and I felt like we spent the entire time making sure our kids weren't eating dirt or climbing something dangerous.

There was no time for meaningful conversation or any real connection and let's be real, there really still isn't. Honestly, there are times where I feel completely invisible. Like, my entire identity has been swallowed up by motherhood. And then there's the guilt. The guilt that comes with all of this is almost as bad as the loneliness, right?

I find myself missing my pre baby life, and then I feel awful for feeling that way, right? Like I shouldn't want more than my kids. It's a really isolating time. I felt like I was the only one struggling with this.

It was like I was somehow failing [00:06:00] at motherhood because I couldn't make my old friendships work in the way that they used to and I couldn't connect with new ones in the way that I thought I should. So if you're feeling the same way, please know that you are not alone.

Many of us go through these painful shifts, and it's why I want to talk about it with you today. Now, here's why moms feel lonely. First, there's a shift in priorities. Your days are consumed with caregiving, right? You have very little time left for yourself or relationships.

And on top of it, you have this identity loss. When you no longer feel like yourself, it's harder to connect with others. Now you went through your matricence, which we talked about in episode 20, how the transitions to motherhood parallels adolescence. So we know why we're going through this shift, but it doesn't make it any easier. Now 75 percent of moms say that they feel judged for their parenting or for [00:07:00] prioritizing themselves.

So, keeping that in mind, 75%, that's a ton of people, it's easier to retreat, to just get away from this. Like, none of this matters, I don't actually need to do this, than to risk judgment. And if it's easier to retreat than to risk judgment, then you're not going to be putting yourself on the ledge to make your friends.

So if you don't know who you are anymore and you don't have the time to put priorities in your friendship, and you're worried about being judged, where is even the motivation to try to get out there and talk to people?

Except we have this daily isolation. Now, if you're home with your kids, that means hours, sometimes even days without adult interaction. And even if you're working outside the home, you still struggle to find time for meaningful connections outside of work.

Maybe even at work, all you do is talk about work and kids. There's no room for you.

So how are you going to make these meaningful connections? Now, We know that friendships drift. [00:08:00] 75 percent of moms report that their friendships change after kids. Maybe your friends without kids don't understand your life now.

Maybe your friends aren't available because they're also navigating their own struggles. We all have these very complex lives with a lot of things going on and it's hard to support people who are going through their own things when we can barely support ourselves because we're focusing on our kids so much.

And then there's this lack of shared interests. Motherhood changes what you talk about. It changes what you prioritize. It changes what you're interested in. So if you no longer have these common interests, your old friendships can feel strained. There's also an emotional impact. on the changing of your friendships, right?

Maybe you're feeling nostalgic for this ease of pre motherhood relationships. It felt so easy, it felt so good, it felt so nice, but then you have this sting of realizing that friendships, some of them might have been built on convenience [00:09:00] rather than actual connection. You start to miss out on social events because of your new priorities and your new responsibilities.

So you're not connecting with them out of that convenience anymore. So what, what's happening? Where are they? Where am I? And even more so your dynamics are shifting. Friendships need to become more intentional. But because of that, There are often fewer of them. We have to be intentional about our time. We have to be intentional who we talk to, who we're on the phone with, who we're texting with, who we're going out to see going out to what we have to be really selective.

So naturally we're going to have fewer people that we're connected to on a deep level. Now we've talked a little bit about why your previous relationships can be tough to connect with, but new mom friends making new mom friends can feel like dating, right? It's awkward. It's uncertain. You don't really know if it's worth trying to figure out. It's not a sure thing. So when we're trying to be really intentional about [00:10:00] selecting our friendships, when you don't know somebody very well, then it can feel like a big risk to give them your precious free time.

Now it's okay. to grieve the friendships that faded and the friendships that changed. And these friendships that you thought you'd be making that aren't coming along, it's okay to grieve all of that. But we need to have actionable steps to rebuild connection and to find our joy. So first what you need to do, is you need to get clear on what you actually want.

Reflect on what kind of support or connection you're craving. Are you looking for deep friendships or are you looking for casual companionship? Are you looking for people that know you or are you looking for shared interests? Maybe you're looking for all of it and that's okay too but either way really sit down and think about What are you looking for?

What are you craving? So that way you can prioritize how you spend your time. One way you can do that is by [00:11:00] prioritizing one on one time. Instead of spreading yourself really thin, invest in one or two relationships that matter the most to you. And work In those relationships you can schedule regular coffee dates or phone calls.

Whatever fits your life. But really pick those one or two relationships that you're going to nurture the most.

Now once you decide what those one or two relationships are going to be, you've got to make the first move. You cannot wait for other people to reach out. You have to do it yourself. Send that text, send that invitation, join a new group, whatever it's going to be.

You have to make those moves. Nobody is going to read your mind and do it for you. Now, maybe you're looking for new people to invite into your life. So you need to join some groups, right? Find communities of like minded people. Look for local mom groups or play groups, right? Or maybe online communities that align with your values.

Maybe it has nothing to do with parenting, but something that you just really enjoy. You could use apps, like peanut or Facebook to find [00:12:00] connections or you could join a hiking group or a crafting group or something like that To start getting out there and meeting people in that way But if you're going to go to that yoga class to meet people Then you need to go early or stay a little late and hang back and actually talk to the people around you You have to make that move

Now another thing that you could do that would be beneficial in a lot of ways is to start a hobby or a side hustle You If you spend time discovering what you love to do like starting a podcast or joining a book club Or learning a skill like photography or taking a fitness class, right? Then these activities will naturally introduce you to people with similar interests.

Maybe it's through the online chat boards as you're learning about this skill. Talk to people, start to make connections, start to find people that seem to have a similar sense of humor as you. And you can start to build your community that way.

Now, if you're deciding to build your online community, it's still important to set boundaries on screen time because social media can be helpful. But it can also be really isolating, [00:13:00] especially if it leads to comparison. Now we talked about this a couple episodes ago where we were talking about your mom type that you were, maybe you're not fitting.

If you're seeing a lot of people that are fitting this mom type that you thought you might be, but you're not actually going to be, you're going to be making this worse for yourself. You're going to be digging a deeper hole into this regret and this shame. So set some limits on your screen time. So that way you're not allowing yourself to go down this rabbit hole.

But whatever method you decide to do, you need to normalize being vulnerable. It's important to share what you're going through with people that you trust, with your partner, with new people, whoever you are going to talk to. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really put yourself out there because authenticity invites deeper connection.

If you're going to be real and authentic and put yourself out there, people are going to see that and feel that energy and reciprocate. So real connection comes from being real yourself. Now, if all of this is still feeling really out of reach and really [00:14:00] tough, if loneliness is feeling overwhelming, it's important to seek professional support, whether it's through therapy or coaching, somebody can help you work through it.

I know that I have a great relationship with my therapist and she really helps me work through the vulnerabilities that I'm facing and the things that I feel like are boundaries and helps me figure out what's real and what is just this perceived mountain in my head. So therapy can really help you to figure out how you can start to make more connections and how you can start to overcome this loneliness. I would love to hear how this episode has helped you. Scroll down to the comments and leave me a note there. This will make a big impact in helping moms like us find the show.

Make sure you click that thumbs up and make sure you to follow so that way you can continue to join me on this journey of finding ourselves.

In the next episode, we're going to hear from a mom who time and time again felt like all of the cards were stacked against her, but she learned to trust her intuition through all of it. Until then, take a moment for yourself and remember you are an amazing mom, just as you [00:15:00] are.

Mom Identity Project https://momidentityproject.com
Previous

How Severe Burnout Transformed This Mom's Approach to Motherhood with Michelle Grosser (E37)
Next

The Exact Steps I Took to Launch a Top 3 Podcast as a Busy Mom (MMM3)